An article by CNN Contributor Bob Greene highlights a recent occasion where a well known figure in American society chose the path to save a person’s face when it would have been just as easy to choose the opposite.

_____

General Peter Chiarelli – “It was an honest mistake ANYONE could have made.”

The stage is a Washington dinner attended by Valerie Jarrett, a White House advisor, and U.S. Army four-star General Peter Chiarelli. While navigating the dining room in full dress uniform General Chiarelli walks behind Ms. Jarrett and hears her request for a glass of wine. Apparently Ms. Jarrett saw the stripes on his pants and thought he was a waiter.

As told by Greene, “Rather than take offense, or try to make Jarrett feel small for her blunder, the general, in good humor, went and poured her a glass of wine. It was evident that he wanted to defuse the awkward moment, and to let Jarrett know that she should not feel embarrassed.”

Greene continues, “Chiarelli wrote in an e-mail to CNN Pentagon Correspondent Barbara Starr:

“It was an honest mistake that ANYONE could have made. She was sitting, I was standing and walking behind her and all she saw were the two stripes on my pants which were almost identical to the waiters’ pants — REALLY. She apologized and will come to the house for dinner if a date can be worked out in March.”

Wow! Now that is a great example of saving a person’s face!

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“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.”

For Super Bowl 2010 change is on the way. This year CBS will broadcast an advocacy ad during the Super Bowl that is drawing controversy even before its television debut.

Sponsored by Focus on the Family, “Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life” will feature football player Tim Tebow and his mother telling the story of her decision not to end her difficult pregnancy that resulted in the birth of her Heisman Trophy winner son Tim Tebow.

For thirty seconds there will be a change in tradition, this time to show a controversial advocacy ad during the Super Bowl.

For the Super Bowl party guest, below are some tips for civil conversation during the thirty second commercial.

-    First, decide whether you want to engage in a conversation or not. Since the topic is controversial, ask yourself if this is the best time and place to start a discussion. If not, maybe after the Super Bowl game or the following day would be better.

-   Second, some people are very passionate about their viewpoints. If you engage in a conversation be respectful of other’s opinions and exclude personal attacks. If the topic gets heated, you can always excuse yourself from the conversation or change the subject.

-   Third, it is also quite acceptable to say, “I am not quite comfortable discussing this topic at the party.” Most party goers will respect your feelings and move on.   

Finally, keep in mind you’re an invited guest at a party. As a guest your primary responsibility is alertness to how your behavior respects the host and the other guests at the party. The last thing your host wants his/her guests to remember about the party is a verbal scuffle.

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I sometimes picture Internet dialog as a pendulum swinging in an opposing direction, free from the encumbrances of courtly culture, where deference was restricted to those above us in the social hierarchy. Yet as the pendulum swings from courtly culture to the freewill of an individual, we see another dynamic. We see the “democratization” of deference. Deference once reserved to courtly subjects, transformed into an aspect of all (or almost all) of our interactions. Mutual recognition of individual preferences now becomes a part of forming our social connections (Adam B. Seligman, 2000).  

Interestingly though, as the pendulum reaches the pinnacle of its arch, there is another tradeoff. The confidence once held in courtly culture—that a person would act according to a collective set of social norms—is now replaced by trust in the freewill of the person.  Trust in one another to show mutual recognition, not because it is law or tradition or obligation, but because of the morality embodied in our freewill.

It is in the codes of civility and the social norms of etiquette do we see mindfulness for individuals, curbing our desires at times in recognition of another’s preferences. It is when we ascribe to these ideas, do we begin to develop social bonds of trust: trust between unknown persons.

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Below is an excerpt from his post: Home Again, A Long Way From Haiti.

January 18, 2010 

“. . . We flew home this weekend on a U.S. Air Force C-17—which we later learned was part of the “shake-down” portion of what will become an air bridge of evacuees from Haiti who will now become temporary residents of McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey.” “. . . On our flight, there were . . . about 10 members of the media alongside approximately 100-150 Haitian evacuees.  They were all tired, scared, sad, thankful, unfailingly polite and peaceful. Those with children seemed totally devoted to their cargo, and not one of the children fussed during our 10-hour journey.”

“. . . I must confess to intervening in military affairs on the flight home. It struck me that our current wartime military has now been thrust into a giant and urgent humanitarian mission, and that was not fully reflected on this first evacuee flight.  The professional and businesslike Air Force crew on board made all the appropriate announcements, and showed their usual courtesy to their passengers, but it was clear they were used to transporting pallets of water and Humvees and generators…and not people, some of whom were enduring the darkest chapter of their lives. They boarded this cargo jet not knowing where they were going.  Many were wearing minimal clothing, and they were headed north to the dead of winter. I suggested to the media liaison on board that the Crew Chief of the flight find a volunteer to make a few announcements in Creole.  It was apparent to me that our guests were not paying attention to the announcements (those about safety, meager amenities, and updates on the flight, including such term-of-art phrases as “taking on fuel” and “off-loading passengers”) and were missing out on vital information.  In what I hope becomes an act of Air Force policy, we witnessed an amazing change: the passengers who had been asleep or disinterested during the announcements suddenly came to attention when they heard their native tongue being spoken to them, with great courtesy from a young father of a beautiful little girl on board.  He was thrust into the “announcer” role and did superbly well.” 

“I was also concerned upon landing that the Haitian visitors were subjected to almost punitive-feeling searches once on the base—bomb-sniffing dogs and metal detectors…the standard operating procedure when non-military passengers arrive, but suddenly slightly tone-deaf in terms of what these Haitians had been through.  It will simply require some sensitivity on the part of our young airborne warriors—our armed forces volunteers, who have been fighting this nation’s dual wars for years now, non-stop.  There was no food available on the 10-hour journey—and while there was water, it was never handed out—it was made available in the front of the aircraft, only for those who understood the announcement in English. It was immediately apparent that many of the passengers did not realize there was water…or a bathroom available on board…until it was time to leave, when they walked by both on their way out.  To be fair: the care and comfort of human passengers on a cavernous cargo jet has not been a priority of the Air Force lately, but now it is.”

“It was because of my familiarity with the military—on so many levels—that I spoke up. . .”

January 20, 2010

“I heard from a high-ranking Air Force official last night. . . The concerns I raised (gently, respectfully and reluctantly, given my appreciation of the work of our military) have been acted upon  . . .”

“Since the Air Force can’t find Creole-speaking personnel on short notice to be on board every rescue flight, the policy from now on will be to do what we did on our flight: ask for a volunteer from among the evacuees to make announcements and answer any questions. . .”

Mr. Williams humbly adds in his blog post, “The senior official was effusive in his thanks . . .” (for bringing the observations and suggestions to the military.)

I sit back and reflect on Mr. Williams gentle, respectful tone and am thankful that amidst a very difficult situation for many, Mr. Williams chose civility to express his desire for change. If the tone were different, I wonder if the outcome would have been the same.

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During my interview with KPNX 12 News I outlined three reasons for these outbursts.

1. Erosion of Authority Over the past decade or two we have seen a further erosion of respect for authority. This is partly due to the mistrust people feel based on the faltered behavior of some prominent people in the authority. With this lack of trust, people are now more aggressively questioning their decisions.
2. Strong Focus on Self  While concern for self is good, an overly strong concern for self leads to self-centeredness or a strong focus on your needs, your wants, and your desires leaving little room for the awareness and concern of others. When we operate at this mode of self-absorption it is harder to show kindness, consideration or courtesy to others.
3. Excessive Drive for Achievement In the United States we place a high value on equality. While definitely a cherished value, some people derive their identity through an excessive focus on achievement. ”Doing” becomes more important than “being”. When a person becomes so focused on achieving they sometimes forgo the rules of civility. Add in stress, and there is an opportune environment for rude behavior.

So what can we do to promote civility?

1. “Follow the rules of civility that have withstood the test of time.” Dr. P.M. Forni promotes the codes of civility in his book, Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct. Some great examples of civility are think the best of others, respect even a subtle “no”, and pay attention to others–their needs–and respond in a considerate manner.
2. Learn and Follow the Social Norms of Etiquette. For parents, enroll your children in a manners class. Even a sit-down family dinner provides many lessons in civility. For colleges and universities, provide students business etiquette training to learn the social norms in the business environment. For educators, create discussions to explain the value of self-expression and self-restraint in a democratic society. For companies, promote interpersonal skills training for employees.
3. Develop Solid Relational Skills. Most of our everyday interactions are with other people so it only makes sense that we develop good relational skills. As a student of Dr. P.M. Forni’s work, I leave you with one of my favorite teachings from Dr. Forni: The quality of our lives in part is determined by the quality of our relationships. The quality of our relationships then is determined by the quality of our relational skills. The rules of civility and the social norms of etiquette give us an effective roadmap to relational competence.

What are your ideas for promoting civility in society?

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While the tweet may seem inconsequential, the content in the tweet reaffirms what the authors of The Cost of Bad Behavior contend: 83% of customers will share their observation of an uncivil act with a friend or family. 

In addition to the customer sharing the experience with others, the results of Christine Pearson and Christine Porath’s study reveals that 55% of customers took a less favorable attitude of the company and, 55% of the customers became less willing to use the company’s products and services. In fact, the customer usually left immediately without buying anything. 

In essence, when a customer witnesses an uncivil interaction between two employees not only is there an impact to the company’s reputation, it also impacts the company’s bottom line.

In another study, professors Pearson and Porath find the same customer behavior mentioned above and, 66% of the customer’s feeling anxious dealing with any employee in the company—not just the two in the uncivil situation.

Conversely, when customers witness employees treating each other well, 80% of the customer’s attitude toward the company becomes more favorable; 85% of the customer’s are more willing to use the company’s products and services in the future; and 55% of the customers are more interested in learning about new products and services of the company.

When you come into disagreement with a fellow employee—and at some point we all do—address the issue not the person in a private setting keeping in mind my best business etiquette tip: save the other person’s face.

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Then Peter Shankman mentioned HopeIsInTheCards.org in HARO. Russ Haan started Hope Is In The Cards when the dismal news of our tired economy hit his door step. What if, what if we started a movement for people to send cards to each other with words of encouragement and support?

Then Terry Starbucker wrote a blog post commenting on the New York Times article ”Back by Popular Demand” saying he agrees with the sentiment of respect and civility, he just doesn’t like the word “nice” to describe the new age.

Then while reading the book “Because of You” compiled by Dan Zadra with Katie Lambert, I came across this quote. ”As a kid I learned that my brother and I could walk forever on a railroad track and never fall off—if we just reached across the track and held each other’s hand.” – Unknown

Then Rebecca Thorman published a blog post collecting all these thoughts and more.

Possibly we are seeing a resurgence of Virtue, where collectively we emanate goodness. Whatever one calls the “new age,” I like the trend.

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“I realize how quaint, even archaic it must seem to some of you to place emphasis on good manners and civility in times as difficult and troubled as our own. Nor do I mean to offer myself up as a positive example. … But the absence of good manners and civility in our daily communion with one another is evidence of a great deal that is wrong with our society. We are undergoing something of a national nervous breakdown. We seek to intimidate rather than communicate.”

“The law is what we turn to when civility breaks down. When we ignore good taste, when we start being rude to one another, when we keep stretching the envelope of acceptable behavior, then ultimately we are obliged to turn to litigation, to the hired enforcers of the law to resolve our differences. …”

“As general civility diminishes in our culture, we become more dependent on the law. … We need a simpler code, something that will get us through the normal days and nights of our existence. We need good manners.”

“It seems archaic when a member of Congress asks whether the gentle lady from Maryland will yield the floor, and yet it is more than a quaint custom. It is a courtesy, which is in itself an acknowledgment of legitimacy. We should treat one another with courtesy and respect, regardless of race or gender, creed or economic standing, not because the law or even the self-appointed enforcers of political correctness demand it, but because it is illogical and even self-destructive to do otherwise.”

“Unless and until we perceive civility to be in our common interest, our national pendulum will swing wildly between anarchy and authoritarianism. … I know we can’t dispense with our intricate fabric of laws. But think how many of those laws would become irrelevant if we merely treated one another with common courtesy. What I find so appealing about that notion, and the reason that I offer it to you on this important occasion in your lives, is that it lies within the capacity of each of one us to implement it.” (bold emphasis added)

On the same day I read Mr. Koppel’s speech I received a Twitter message directing me to a story on Chris Brogan’s blog. I will let you read the story for its richness. I’ll only say relationships matter.

Title Credit: Credo of Royal Dutch Navy Academy

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I won’t spoil the sensation that unfolds in the video. I’ll only say that when we set aside our assumptions and acknowledge others, we can find hidden gems.

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Recently washingtonpost.com published an article “How to Deal With Bad Behavior” including a tipsheet on how to deal with rudeness by psychologist Arthur Ciaramicoli from Dr. P.M. Forni’s book The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude.

Here are the 10 tips.

1. Don’t personalize rude behavior. It’s unlikely to be about you, even though it’s directed at you.
2. Be aware that rude behavior comes from various sources (sleep deprivation, depression, stress, illness, insecurity, etc.)
3. Respond with calmness rather than behavior that escalates rude behavior.
4. “An eye for an eye” is a poor approach; don’t turn another’s insecurity into your own.
5. Self-righteous behavior only reflects poorly on you; don’t use the opportunity to demean another.
6. Try to address the underlying cause of the behavior. (“I can see you are very stressed. Maybe I could help if you tell me what’s bothering you.”)
7. When necessary, set limits tactfully and assertively, not aggressively.
8. If the conversation remains irrational, know when to quit.
9. Don’t assume rudeness is a permanent part of someone’s personality. It is a pattern of rudeness (not one mishap) that determines character.
10. In the end, always let empathy — the ability to read others accurately — be your guide in understanding rudeness, knowing how to respond to a rude individual and knowing when to leave the scene.

Civil Tips for Uncivil Behavior is a post from: Carol Bory's Business Etiquette Blog