Business Etiquette: Is Civility Dead?

Last week Dr. P.M. Forni author of the book “Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct“ and professor at Johns Hopkins University answered readers question about civility through an online discussion sponsored by The Courier-Journal in Louisville, Kentucky.

I have much admiration for Dr. P.M. Forni as both civility and etiquette rest on the premise that being aware of others, and paying attention to their needs in a benevolent way, leads to stronger relationships and a strong and healthy society.

Read Dr. P.M. Forni’s responses to various topics below.

Rudeness in online communication
“When we are online, we experience a disinhibition effect. This is the term that researchers in the field have been using for some time. In other words, we are less reluctant online than we are offline to use harsh language, to be very outspoken, to be confrontational, bellicose, and sometimes outright mean. In part, this is because a good amount of online communication takes place under the veil of anonymity. Anonymity and stress have long been identified as main causes of uncivil behavior. It is part of our human make-up that we need incentives to be good. We need incentives to be decent, to be considerate, to be kind. Anonymity takes away some of our incentives to behave as decent people.

Also, since its very beginning, the Internet has projected an image of informality. It has billed itself as a place where maximum democracy could be achieved. Everybody could communicate with plenty of freedom and in very informal ways.

Now, there is often a thin line between informality and incivility and the communication on the ‘net often crosses that line. It seems that as a society we use very often the ‘net as a dumping ground of what’s least attractive in who we are. However, when we do that, we don’t really free ourselves of those unpleasant thoughts, unpleasant traits, social toxins, because that mode of communication ends up bouncing from the online world to the world of bricks and mortar. So the coarse, extremely informal language of the ‘net provides the new standard for the communication in the real world and that is certainly a cause of concern. …

We -especially the new generations- come to any kind of communication with a restraint deficit. They have not been trained very rigorously in restraint. Then they come to Internet communication and the anonymity with which they can operate there further disinhibits them. So we have sort of a double jeopardy and there is little chance for courtesy, consideration and kindness to thrive.”

A restraint deficit
“As a society, we have been very good in instilling self-respect in our children but not as good in instilling self-restraint. When we teach self-esteem but forget to train our children in self-restraint, we create children who are self-centered, who believe the world revolves around them, who are so self-invested that have little moral energy left for their fellow human beings.

As I have said many times before, they are trapped in a cage of narcissism that we have built for them. Restraint is an essential component of civility. We are civil when we are aware of others and we weave restraint, respect and consideration into the very fabric of this awareness.”

Happy violence happy rudeness
“Television and the media in general both mirror society and modify it.

Are the media as culpable of terrible sins as we often hear from different quarters? I don’t think so.

Are the innocent and blameless? I don’t think so, either.

It is, indeed, unfortunate that so much happy violence and happy rudeness is part of broadcast television. Happy violence is the violence that is portrayed as glamorous and that doesn’t seem to have serious consequences. And happy rudeness is the rudeness portrayed in situation comedies and other shows where it is given a humorous edge.

What we forget when we witness happy violence and happy rudeness on television is that if that were real life, people would get hurt. Many children are able to distinguish clearly between the demands of comedy and drama and the demands of life. But many can’t. They do not have the maturity to do so, and that’s when the problems with today’s entertainment begin.

Connected to this is the issue of the sheer overwhelming amount of entertainment that television and also the Internet make available, and what that does to the cognitive development of young children.

Where are our children going to learn to think? Shall we expect once more that our teachers will perform miracles and just by themselves will provide the wisdom and the skills that neither families nor popular culture provide?

This is a very tough issue. Our children need to learn to think logically, and to articulate clearly their thinking. Certainly, a lot of what’s on television, and on the ‘net today, does not help them very much in achieving that crucial goal.”

Quality of life laws
“I must say I’m a little ambivalent about quality of life laws. I belong to a long line of people who believe that when we are civil we obey the unenforceable. We obey, that is, an unwritten code of decency because it’s the right thing to do and not because we are going to be put in jail if we don’t. I think we should educate our children, train them in civility, good manners and courtesy, and then hope that will become part of their identity, part of their emotional and cognitive kits.”

Is civility dead?
“I would say that civility is not dead, but it has certainly caught a very bad cold. Most Americans believe that we are living in a stage of crisis, when it comes to civility. They believe that incivility is a national problem, that is has gotten worst in the past 20 years and there is a connection between incivility and violence. But beyond perception, is this true? Are we living in a more uncivil age than previous ones? The answer is, it depends what we are looking at. When we talk about a decline in civility, we talk about a decline in established and traditional forms of deference and respect. We can say that indeed there is a decline of those. However, we often forget that every generation creates new forms of deference and respect that take the place at least in part of those that are becoming obsolete.

The example that I often make is of the pregnant woman on the bus. Let’s suppose there are fewer youngsters today ready to give their seat to a pregnant woman than there were years ago. This is a decline in civility. However, when that woman gets into her workplace the number of men who will take her seriously as a professional, as an intellectual peer, is higher today than in my father’s generation. That is an increase in civility.

True, the glass is half-empty, but it is also half-full. We have an ecological consciousness that we didn’t have 20 or 30 years ago. The weakest of society have more advocates today than they had in the past. We are kinder to animals than we used to be. So there are many indicators that allow us to say that civility is not dead.”