When demonstrating the placement of flatware during a dining etiquette program, I am frequently asked why the cutting edge of the knife needs to face the center of the plate.

The reason for the placement of the knife blade stems back to the Middle Ages. During this time men regularly carried at least one knife. For the common man, the knife served two purposes: one as an eating utensil for spearing meat on the tip of the blade, the other for use as a dagger. For aristocratic men, they carried two knives. One knife for use as a kitchen tool for cutting meat before the feast, the second knife as a dagger carried in a sheath suspended from a belt around their waist.

In fact, have you heard the expression, “To whet your appetite?” It comes from the practice during the Middle Ages of placing a whetstone before the entrance of an eating room so men could sharpen their knifes before they would partake in a feast of food.

It is because people were keenly aware men were armed with knives at the eating table (threatening human weapons), that table manners were created for safety. A system of civilized taboos were created to reduce tension while at the same time to protect one another–“we do not want the guests to get mixed up with the dishes.” 1

This is why table manners say not to point a knife at anyone at the table, or to hold the knife standing upright in your fist, or to have the cutting edge of the knife blade face a guest. It is all based on the notion that we sit closely at a table and that we easily could be vulnerable if not for the control, order, and regularity men and women show each other through their table manners.

1 Margaret Visser, The Rituals of Dinner

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Ah, the Super Bowl commercials. For several years now many consider them part of the entertainment of the Super Bowl game. Which ad is your favorite? I can still recall trying to memorize the McDonald’s jingle for the Big Mac.

“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.”

For Super Bowl 2010 change is on the way. This year CBS will broadcast an advocacy ad during the Super Bowl that is drawing controversy even before its television debut.

Sponsored by Focus on the Family, “Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life” will feature football player Tim Tebow and his mother telling the story of her decision not to end her difficult pregnancy that resulted in the birth of her Heisman Trophy winner son Tim Tebow.

For thirty seconds there will be a change in tradition, this time to show a controversial advocacy ad during the Super Bowl.

For the Super Bowl party guest, below are some tips for civil conversation during the thirty second commercial.

-    First, decide whether you want to engage in a conversation or not. Since the topic is controversial, ask yourself if this is the best time and place to start a discussion. If not, maybe after the Super Bowl game or the following day would be better.

-   Second, some people are very passionate about their viewpoints. If you engage in a conversation be respectful of other’s opinions and exclude personal attacks. If the topic gets heated, you can always excuse yourself from the conversation or change the subject.

-   Third, it is also quite acceptable to say, “I am not quite comfortable discussing this topic at the party.” Most party goers will respect your feelings and move on.   

Finally, keep in mind you’re an invited guest at a party. As a guest your primary responsibility is alertness to how your behavior respects the host and the other guests at the party. The last thing your host wants his/her guests to remember about the party is a verbal scuffle.

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At times on Twitter and Facebook I read critical, sometimes disparaging remarks, about a person or company. The intent of the remark I do not know. What I do know is they are bringing their private issues into a public realm (the Internet) where a person is not obliged to the social courtesies of mutual consideration.

I sometimes picture Internet dialog as a pendulum swinging in an opposing direction, free from the encumbrances of courtly culture, where deference was restricted to those above us in the social hierarchy. Yet as the pendulum swings from courtly culture to the freewill of an individual, we see another dynamic. We see the “democratization” of deference. Deference once reserved to courtly subjects, transformed into an aspect of all (or almost all) of our interactions. Mutual recognition of individual preferences now becomes a part of forming our social connections (Adam B. Seligman, 2000).  

Interestingly though, as the pendulum reaches the pinnacle of its arch, there is another tradeoff. The confidence once held in courtly culture—that a person would act according to a collective set of social norms—is now replaced by trust in the freewill of the person.  Trust in one another to show mutual recognition, not because it is law or tradition or obligation, but because of the morality embodied in our freewill.

It is in the codes of civility and the social norms of etiquette do we see mindfulness for individuals, curbing our desires at times in recognition of another’s preferences. It is when we ascribe to these ideas, do we begin to develop social bonds of trust: trust between unknown persons.

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Knowledge is Power, Character is More

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I am touched by Brian Williams eloquent words in the NBC blog, The Daily Nightly. How his tone of gentle respectful words in a single blog post changed a small yet vital part with our connection to humanity.

Below is an excerpt from his post: Home Again, A Long Way From Haiti.

January 18, 2010 

“. . . We flew home this weekend on a U.S. Air Force C-17—which we later learned was part of the “shake-down” portion of what will become an air bridge of evacuees from Haiti who will now become temporary residents of McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey.” “. . . On our flight, there were . . . about 10 members of the media alongside approximately 100-150 Haitian evacuees.  They were all tired, scared, sad, thankful, unfailingly polite and peaceful. Those with children seemed totally devoted to their cargo, and not one of the children fussed during our 10-hour journey.”

“. . . I must confess to intervening in military affairs on the flight home. It struck me that our current wartime military has now been thrust into a giant and urgent humanitarian mission, and that was not fully reflected on this first evacuee flight.  The professional and businesslike Air Force crew on board made all the appropriate announcements, and showed their usual courtesy to their passengers, but it was clear they were used to transporting pallets of water and Humvees and generators…and not people, some of whom were enduring the darkest chapter of their lives. They boarded this cargo jet not knowing where they were going.  Many were wearing minimal clothing, and they were headed north to the dead of winter. I suggested to the media liaison on board that the Crew Chief of the flight find a volunteer to make a few announcements in Creole.  It was apparent to me that our guests were not paying attention to the announcements (those about safety, meager amenities, and updates on the flight, including such term-of-art phrases as “taking on fuel” and “off-loading passengers”) and were missing out on vital information.  In what I hope becomes an act of Air Force policy, we witnessed an amazing change: the passengers who had been asleep or disinterested during the announcements suddenly came to attention when they heard their native tongue being spoken to them, with great courtesy from a young father of a beautiful little girl on board.  He was thrust into the “announcer” role and did superbly well.” 

“I was also concerned upon landing that the Haitian visitors were subjected to almost punitive-feeling searches once on the base—bomb-sniffing dogs and metal detectors…the standard operating procedure when non-military passengers arrive, but suddenly slightly tone-deaf in terms of what these Haitians had been through.  It will simply require some sensitivity on the part of our young airborne warriors—our armed forces volunteers, who have been fighting this nation’s dual wars for years now, non-stop.  There was no food available on the 10-hour journey—and while there was water, it was never handed out—it was made available in the front of the aircraft, only for those who understood the announcement in English. It was immediately apparent that many of the passengers did not realize there was water…or a bathroom available on board…until it was time to leave, when they walked by both on their way out.  To be fair: the care and comfort of human passengers on a cavernous cargo jet has not been a priority of the Air Force lately, but now it is.”

“It was because of my familiarity with the military—on so many levels—that I spoke up. . .”

January 20, 2010

“I heard from a high-ranking Air Force official last night. . . The concerns I raised (gently, respectfully and reluctantly, given my appreciation of the work of our military) have been acted upon  . . .”

“Since the Air Force can’t find Creole-speaking personnel on short notice to be on board every rescue flight, the policy from now on will be to do what we did on our flight: ask for a volunteer from among the evacuees to make announcements and answer any questions. . .”

Mr. Williams humbly adds in his blog post, “The senior official was effusive in his thanks . . .” (for bringing the observations and suggestions to the military.)

I sit back and reflect on Mr. Williams gentle, respectful tone and am thankful that amidst a very difficult situation for many, Mr. Williams chose civility to express his desire for change. If the tone were different, I wonder if the outcome would have been the same.

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“The word is out that the state dinners are a tough one to crash” says Amy Zantzinger former Social Secretary to President George W. Bush. Yet selecting guests is only one minor detail she recalls in planning a state dinner.

What are her other concerns? Hoping people don’t drink from the finger bowls or take silverware as a souvenir.

Watch this three minute video as Ms. Zantzinger talks about coordinating a state dinner from the White House chef preparing tasting menus to the first lady choosing the flowers, tablecloths, and china to be used that evening.

I am frequently asked for ideas on business gifts for the holidays. For Thanksgiving, how about sending a chocolate turkey along with the Thanksgiving card? It’s not too late. Overnight shipping is standard for L.A. Burdick.

L.A. Burdick’s handmade chocolate turkeys are truely a unique gift. I have tasted their chocolates and they are oh so good! Below is a description of the chocolate turkeys from their website.

 ”These chocolate turkeys are hand-piped with flavored ganache, each boasting a tail of almond feathers. We have a choice of Dark Chocolate Turkeys piped with a clementine ganache, and a Milk Chocolate Turkey piped with pecan, bourbon and chestnut ganache.”

 A box of four chocolate turkeys is U.S. $15.00 plus shipping. Individual chocolate turkeys wrapped in a cello bag are also available at U.S. $3.50 each plus shipping.

Enjoy! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Note: This is not a sponsored post. I do not receive monetary compensation from L.A. Burdick.

It started with House of Representatives Joe Wilson shouting, “You lie!” to President Obama during a speech before Congress, then tennis player Serena Williams verbally riddled a judge on a call for a foot fault during the U.S. Open semifinal, then before the shock could wear off, rap star Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech for best female video at the MTV Video Music Awards. What is going on with this bad behavior? What is happening to civility?

During my interview with KPNX 12 News I outlined three reasons for these outbursts.

1. Erosion of Authority Over the past decade or two we have seen a further erosion of respect for authority. This is partly due to the mistrust people feel based on the faltered behavior of some prominent people in the authority. With this lack of trust, people are now more aggressively questioning their decisions.
2. Strong Focus on Self  While concern for self is good, an overly strong concern for self leads to self-centeredness or a strong focus on your needs, your wants, and your desires leaving little room for the awareness and concern of others. When we operate at this mode of self-absorption it is harder to show kindness, consideration or courtesy to others.
3. Excessive Drive for Achievement In the United States we place a high value on equality. While definitely a cherished value, some people derive their identity through an excessive focus on achievement. ”Doing” becomes more important than “being”. When a person becomes so focused on achieving they sometimes forgo the rules of civility. Add in stress, and there is an opportune environment for rude behavior.

So what can we do to promote civility?

1. “Follow the rules of civility that have withstood the test of time.” Dr. P.M. Forni promotes the codes of civility in his book, Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct. Some great examples of civility are think the best of others, respect even a subtle “no”, and pay attention to others–their needs–and respond in a considerate manner.
2. Learn and Follow the Social Norms of Etiquette. For parents, enroll your children in a manners class. Even a sit-down family dinner provides many lessons in civility. For colleges and universities, provide students business etiquette training to learn the social norms in the business environment. For educators, create discussions to explain the value of self-expression and self-restraint in a democratic society. For companies, promote interpersonal skills training for employees.
3. Develop Solid Relational Skills. Most of our everyday interactions are with other people so it only makes sense that we develop good relational skills. As a student of Dr. P.M. Forni’s work, I leave you with one of my favorite teachings from Dr. Forni: The quality of our lives in part is determined by the quality of our relationships. The quality of our relationships then is determined by the quality of our relational skills. The rules of civility and the social norms of etiquette give us an effective roadmap to relational competence.

What are your ideas for promoting civility in society?

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Business Etiquette: Is Civility Dead?

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A Twitter message came across my desk that read in part: “Just witnessed a manager scolding his employee in front of customers—it made me sad…”

While the tweet may seem inconsequential, the content in the tweet reaffirms what the authors of The Cost of Bad Behavior contend: 83% of customers will share their observation of an uncivil act with a friend or family. 

In addition to the customer sharing the experience with others, the results of Christine Pearson and Christine Porath’s study reveals that 55% of customers took a less favorable attitude of the company and, 55% of the customers became less willing to use the company’s products and services. In fact, the customer usually left immediately without buying anything. 

In essence, when a customer witnesses an uncivil interaction between two employees not only is there an impact to the company’s reputation, it also impacts the company’s bottom line.

In another study, professors Pearson and Porath find the same customer behavior mentioned above and, 66% of the customer’s feeling anxious dealing with any employee in the company—not just the two in the uncivil situation.

Conversely, when customers witness employees treating each other well, 80% of the customer’s attitude toward the company becomes more favorable; 85% of the customer’s are more willing to use the company’s products and services in the future; and 55% of the customers are more interested in learning about new products and services of the company.

When you come into disagreement with a fellow employee—and at some point we all do—address the issue not the person in a private setting keeping in mind my best business etiquette tip: save the other person’s face.

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Image a highly visible executive at a large private firm announcing she will stop using irony and parody in her blog posts. Her intention was to use wit to further her point although some readers misunderstood her humor. As a gesture to her readers she writes that going forward she will focus her tone on clarity of message with the goal of forging a stronger connection with her readers.

Her action is commendable—why?—because she chose to pay attention to her readers comments with empathetic understanding. She chose to pay attention to her online readers over indifference. She chose to tell her readers that they are worthy of her attention, and will honor their worth. In essence, she told her readers she will show consideration for them even though she doesn’t personally know them.

Some view etiquette as an arbitrary set of “rules” for being nice in society. Yet when looking closely at etiquette, and the action of our executive, we see that etiquette includes an ethical component, a consideration beyond ourselves. Etiquette at its highest level, goes beyond the “rules” to pay attention to others, to acknowledge their needs, and to meet their needs in a considerate way. These actions demonstrate a transcending of Self by acknowledging the value of others and how your actions impact them. 

Now some will say that what I describe are nice social virtues but the actions require a denial of self-expression. That withholding true thoughts goes against being authentic and transparent. 

I ask you to look at it another way.

Think of paying attention to others, acknowledging their needs, and meeting their needs in a considerate way, as a choice to be sensitive on how your actions affect others. It is a decision of self-control over concealment, of self-restraint over self-indulgence, a choice to express one part of yourself over another.

We have a choice to treat people the best way we know how. What choice are you making?

Photo Credit: John Fletcher / USA Jump Rope

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Most of you know I admire the work of Mary Cullen, president of Instructional Solutions. Again in her blog Business Writing Info, she shares some great information, this time about the ten most irritating phrases in business writing.

I’ve listed the top three phrases below.

1. At the end of the day

2. Fairly unique

3. I personally

For the complete list, please visit Mary’s recent blog post.

Just as business etiquette evolves over time so does business writing. To stay current with the latest business writing trends be sure to visit Mary’s blog.

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